I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
