legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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