next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
