i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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