Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
