I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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