I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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