Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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