Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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