I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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