I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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