Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
