I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
