Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
