and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
