Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
