Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
