Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
