This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
