Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
