I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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