she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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