I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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