i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
