Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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