Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
