Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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