Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Randomize
