Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
