I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
