So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
