somebody snuck up and got me drunk
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
