Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
