I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
