Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
