my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
