mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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