if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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