I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
