I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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