All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
