the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
