I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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