kristin has been a bad kristin
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
