3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
