You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
