so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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