I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize