He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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