so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
