I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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