I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
