My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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