I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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