I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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