i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
