theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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