I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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